When a Child Surprises You: What Jamie’s Choice in Adolescence Can Teach Us About Silent Emotions and the Power of Presence

Mar 21, 2025

Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys: A Guide for Parents

Mar 21, 2025

Parenting is not easy. If you’re reading this article, it’s because you care—and that is the most important step. Caring about what we’re doing means we want to do a good job, that we love our children, and that we take the responsibility of raising the next generation seriously.

In an ideal world, parenting would be simple. We would love our children, guide them, and allow them to become exactly who they are meant to be—just like a gardener who nourishes the soil, waters the plant, and lets it grow at its own pace. But the truth is, the soil we were raised in is very different from the one in which our children are growing today. That can leave us feeling a little lost.

We are constantly bombarded with information from every direction. It often feels like if a child doesn’t turn out “right,” the blame falls entirely on the parents. We are working more than ever, which means we don’t always have the time or energy to be as present as we’d like. We live in a society where material needs have grown, stress levels are higher, and parenting has become more complex.

In the past, roles were clearly defined—girls were expected to be one way, boys another. While this came with its own set of issues, it at least provided a clear framework for how to guide children. Now, things are different. Not only have gender roles evolved, but we also have a much larger influence shaping our children’s development. It’s no longer just parents, family, school, and friends that play a role. Today, social media exposes our children to every possible culture, belief, and expectation—literally the entire world is influencing them as they grow.

So yes, parenting today is more complicated than ever. But here’s what I ask of parents who truly care: first, take a step back and understand the “soil” in which you are raising your child. Educate yourself about the environment they are growing up in. Then, relax. Do not parent from a place of fear. Trust your inner guidance. And only from that place of calm confidence, focus on how to best support your child’s emotional development.

Let’s explore how we can do that.

1- How Can We Teach Boys to Express Their Emotions in a Healthy Way from a Young Age?

Children learn from their role models—primarily their parents or caregivers. A mother figure, a father figure, or whoever is raising them will shape how they navigate the world. They observe everything—how we eat, how we move, how we talk—and, most importantly, how we regulate our emotions.

It’s not about what we verbally teach them; it’s about what we model. Boys won’t necessarily process a lesson on emotional expression just because we explain it to them logically. Instead, they absorb the way we deal with sadness, stress, and frustration. They notice how we discipline them, how we express love, how often we cuddle them, how affectionate we are with our partners, siblings, and friends. They watch if we smile and laugh often, if we change depending on who we are with—whether at home, with our parents, with strangers. They sense when we hide our emotions, even if we think we are concealing them well.

So the first and most crucial step is self-awareness. Before teaching a child to regulate emotions, we must first examine how we regulate our own. If we suppress our emotions, hide them, or let them explode uncontrollably, we are subconsciously teaching them to do the same.

Creating a Balanced Emotional Foundation

The second step is to help them develop a well-balanced nervous and emotional system. How do we do this? By giving them three essential things: safety, love, and a sense of control over their lives.

• Safety comes from exuding calm, wisdom, and firm guidance—each parent in their own way. It comes from being truly present, not necessarily every minute of the day, but fully engaged when we are with them. If they feel us disconnected, they may feel alone or unsafe, leading to emotional disregulation in an attempt to regain our attention. If they sense that we are fragile, anxious, or lost, they may either mirror our nervousness or go into defense mode, trying to protect themselves when the very people meant to protect them seem unstable.
• Love means they feel truly seen and accepted, no matter what emotions they experience. A child who knows they are deeply loved will feel safe enough to express any emotion without fear of judgment.
• A sense of control means allowing them some autonomy—letting them make small choices, validating their experiences, and teaching them that their emotions matter.

Once a child has a strong emotional foundation, their emotions will remain natural and healthy. They will feel safe to express sadness, disappointment, or frustration because they trust that we will listen, acknowledge, and guide them through it without judgment or fear.

An Example in Practice

Imagine a young boy loses a race. If he feels safe in his emotions, that sadness won’t turn into anger or frustration. He will know he is still loved and admired, even if he didn’t win. He may even channel that sadness into motivation—especially if he has seen his role models respond to failure in a positive way.

If a parent is fearful of their child being “less than” others, the child will sense it. That fear may transform into perfectionism, anxiety, or even avoidance. Instead, the parent can shift the narrative: race the child for fun, encourage them to train harder, or teach them to admire those who are faster rather than resent them. The key is to remove fear, the feeling of not being enough, and the pressure to be perfect.

By fostering a calm, loving, and emotionally secure environment, boys will naturally learn that expressing emotions is not only acceptable but essential to their well-being and they will tend to do it organically.

2- What Age Should We Be Teaching Boys About Emotions?

There is no set age to start teaching boys about emotions because emotions are not something we introduce to them—they are something they are born with. What we can do is guide them differently at each stage of their development.

Babyhood: Regulating Ourselves First

With babies, the most important thing is not what we teach but what we embody. Their nervous system is deeply connected to ours; they don’t understand words, but they feel everything. If we are stressed, anxious, or uncertain, they will absorb that energy. If we are calm, secure, and emotionally present, they will mirror that too. There is no way to hide our emotional state from a baby—they feel us completely.

Toddler Years: Their First Emotional Exploration

As toddlers, they continue to absorb everything we do, but now they begin actively exploring what it means to be human. At this stage, our reactions to their emotions are crucial in shaping how they will learn to process and express them.

• If they fall, do we rush over, panicked and shaking, sending the message that something terrible has happened?
• Do we ignore them entirely, trying to “toughen them up” and dismiss their feelings?

Neither extreme is ideal. Every reaction we have sends a message, so the key is to respond with intention, calmness, and wisdom. More than what we say, it’s how secure we feel in our own response that matters. If we are confident and present, our children will feel safe. If we allow them to experience their emotions without fear, while also being there to guide them, we help build a healthy foundation for emotional regulation.

It’s important to remember that every child is different, and so is every parent. There is no universal right way to respond to emotions. The goal is to provide love, protection, and the space for them to experience their own reactions in a secure environment.

Growing Up: Navigating External Influences

As they grow older, boys start learning from friends, siblings, teachers, and other adults. Their world expands, and their emotions are shaped not just by us but by a variety of external influences. At this stage, the most important thing is to accompany them, not control them.

• Allow them to explore who they are.
• Be present but not overbearing.
• Listen without judgment.
• Avoid criticising others or comparing them to other children.

If we have provided a strong foundation of emotional security in the early years, they will enter this phase feeling confident and capable of navigating their emotions independently. Our role is to be a steady presence—a safe place they can return to when they need support.

Ultimately, teaching emotions isn’t about a specific age—it’s about consistently creating an environment where emotions are acknowledged, accepted, and expressed in a healthy way.

3- How Has Society Got It Wrong with Boys and Emotions in the Past?

It’s not necessarily that society “got it wrong”—it may have simply served a different purpose at the time. Historically, men were expected to be strong, both physically and emotionally, because they were the ones sent to war, the ones performing life-threatening jobs, the ones responsible for defending their countries and supporting their families under extreme conditions. Emotional suppression wasn’t necessarily a mistake—it was a survival mechanism.

Over time, however, society evolved. Wars became less frequent, dangerous physical jobs became safer, and women began developing their traditionally “masculine” traits, stepping into leadership roles and gaining independence. With this shift, the rigid expectations placed on men—those that demanded emotional restraint and unwavering strength—became less relevant and, in many cases, even harmful.

The Confusion of Modern Masculinity

One of the biggest challenges today is that there is no longer a clear societal expectation of what it means to be a boy or a man. In previous generations, the roles were defined: boys were expected to be strong, providers, and leaders, while girls were nurturers and caretakers. But now, as gender roles evolve, many boys grow up in a bit of a limbo—unsure of what is expected of them, and parents unsure of how to guide them.

Additionally, as women have gained more power and presence in all areas of society, there has sometimes been an underlying tension regarding gender roles. Some women, due to past inequalities, hold resentment towards men or feel conflicted about the balance of responsibilities. The fight for equality, while crucial, has also created uncertainty for boys who no longer have a clear blueprint for their role in society.

A New Approach: Embracing Boys as They Are

Rather than focusing on outdated narratives of dominance or difference, we should encourage complementarity—where each individual, regardless of gender, brings their unique strengths to the table. Instead of imposing old societal expectations, we should focus on fostering an organic approach to raising boys today—one that embraces both their biological nature and their individual emotional needs.

• Biologically, boys tend to be more physical, their brains develop at a different pace, and their hormonal makeup differs from girls’. Instead of suppressing these natural tendencies, we should work with them, helping boys regulate their emotions in ways that align with their nature.
• We must move away from societal pressure and instead focus on raising children as whole human beings, not as products of outdated gender expectations.

Finally, the father figure (or a strong male role model) plays an essential role in this process. Boys learn how to navigate masculinity by observing the men around them. A present, emotionally aware, and balanced father figure can provide the guidance they need to develop a strong, yet emotionally healthy, sense of self.

Moving Forward

The past approach to masculinity was built on necessity, not on an accurate reflection of men’s emotional needs. Today, we have the opportunity to reshape what it means to be a boy and a man—one that fosters emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and balance, without losing sight of their natural strengths.

4- What Are Some Helpful Things We Can Tell Young Boys (Ages 1–4) to Encourage Them to Express and Understand Their Emotions?

At this age, words don’t hold as much power as we might think. A toddler’s brain is not yet developed enough to process logic the way an adult does. If we rely too much on words, they may create stories in their minds that stay with them without truly understanding their meaning. And that’s not what we want—we don’t want them to memorise verbal scripts; we want them to experience what it is to be human, to feel their emotions rather than just hear about them.

The Power of Showing, Not Just Telling

The most effective way to teach young boys about emotions is through action:

• Hug them, kiss them, smile at them. Let them physically feel love and safety.
• Listen to them, look into their eyes, give them your full attention. Don’t rush them, don’t finish their sentences, don’t push them to express themselves faster than they are able to.
• Model calmness. Avoid aggression, avoid shouting, and regulate your own emotions so they can witness emotional balance in action.

For fathers (or father figures), showing physical affection is essential. Hug them firmly, kiss them with strength—not aggression, but a physical display of presence and protection. Let them play rough, let them explore their bodies and their limits, let them get minor scrapes and learn about pain within a safe environment. They need to physically experience life to understand it emotionally.

Demonstrating Emotional Expression in Everyday Life

Children will mirror everything you do. Every tone, every facial expression, every body movement—they record it all and accept it as the way things are done.

• Show them your own emotions in a way they can learn from. If you’re frustrated because you can’t find parking and you’re running late, express it in a way that shows them frustration is normal, but also how to handle it.
• If you argue with their other parent in front of them, don’t just expose them to conflict—show them how to solve it. Let them see you express anger respectfully, work through the disagreement, and then forgive, hug, and reconnect.
• Show them love. Let them see how your eyes light up when you see them, how you express love for their dad, their mom, their grandparents. Be present. Don’t rush through life; allow them to experience connection with you.

When to Use Words

Words should come after all of this has been put into place. If we say one thing but act differently, they will feel confused and disregulated.

However, we can introduce intentional scripts—phrases we want them to internalise as self-talk, something they can carry with them throughout their lives. These should be chosen consciously, as they will shape the way they perceive themselves and the world.

Some examples:

• “It’s okay to feel sad, I’m here with you.”
• “You can be frustrated, but you are still safe.”
• “You are strong, even when you cry.”
• “Your feelings are important, and I want to hear them.”
• “We all make mistakes, and we learn from them.”

The Key Takeaway

At this age, it’s not about explaining emotions—it’s about embodying emotional health. The way we interact with them, the way we regulate ourselves, and the way we express love will shape their emotional world far more than any words we say. Our presence is the greatest teacher.

5- How Can We Teach Young Boys to Accept Rejection and Disappointment?

Rejection and disappointment are not just about what happens to us—they are about our expectations. We feel disappointed when we expect something to go a certain way, when we believe we need something in order to feel better, more complete, or more valuable.

Before teaching boys how to handle rejection, we first need to examine our own expectations of them.

• Do we expect them to be social, outgoing, athletic, talented, well-mannered, fun, organised?
• Do we expect them to always be their best version, to succeed, to be happy?
• Do we, consciously or unconsciously, make them feel they need to achieve something in order to be enough?

Our expectations can subtly shape their expectations of themselves. If they feel they need to be a certain way to meet our approval, they may start believing that they are not enough as they are. They will attach their worth to success, validation, and external approval. And when things don’t go as expected, the disappointment will feel overwhelming.

What If We Show Them They Are Already Enough?

Imagine if we truly believed that our children do not need to be more, achieve more, or prove more—that they are already perfect as they are. If we don’t carry the need to prove to the world (or to ourselves) that we are “amazing parents” through their achievements, then we allow them to exist without the constant pressure of becoming more.

From this foundation of security, disappointment loses its weight. When a child believes they are already enough, they won’t feel crushed by failure. Yes, they may want to achieve something, but their motivation will come from within, not from a need for validation. If they don’t succeed, they will feel confident enough to keep trying—not to be better, but simply because they want to keep learning and improving.

Navigating Rejection with Strength

Rejection is part of life. Not everyone will like them. Some friends may envy them. They won’t always get picked for the team. These experiences are inevitable—but how we react as parents will teach them how to process rejection.

If we feel hurt when they are rejected, they will feel it too. If we react with anger or sadness, they will associate rejection with deep pain. Instead, we can normalise it.

• If they don’t make the basketball team because they’re not quite good enough, respond with humor and lightness.“Well, maybe this isn’t your thing! I wouldn’t have picked you either—basketball isn’t your strength! Let’s try something else!”
• Show them that doors close, but others open—and that the real value is in the search, in the experience, not in the approval of others.

The Key to Handling Rejection: Self-Worth Comes from Within

The more they seek external validation, the more rejection will hurt. The more they feel validated at home, the less they will need approval from others. And when they do seek it, they will handle rejection with resilience, knowing that it does not define them.

We don’t need to teach our children to avoid rejection. We need to teach them that rejection is normal, temporary, and never a reflection of their worth.

6- If a Young Boy Is Struggling to Regulate His Emotions and Uses Anger Instead, What’s the Best Way for a Parent to Handle It?

There is no single “right” way to handle this, and it can be one of the most difficult challenges for a parent. When a child struggles with anger, it can leave us feeling confused, helpless, or even guilty. The first thing to do is release any blame.Even if, in some way, our actions (or inactions) contributed to their emotional struggles, we did not do it intentionally. We have always done the best we could with what we knew at the time. So instead of holding onto guilt, forgive yourself—and then start taking action.

Step One: Observe and Reflect

Before reacting, take a step back and try to identify what might be contributing to their anger.

• Have you or their other parent been emotionally absent?
• Have they received enough affection, or has discipline overshadowed love?
• Could this stem from something you were taught in childhood—like struggling to express emotions due to a strict upbringing?
• Are there external factors (school, friendships, hormones, developmental changes) playing a role?

This is not about blaming yourself—it’s about gaining awareness. Once you recognise what might be missing, set the intention to adjust.

• If they need more love, start expressing it more.
• If they need more presence, make time to truly connect.
• If they need more boundaries, introduce them with consistency and calm.

It’s never too late to course-correct. At first, they may resist, but if you show up again and again with a steady intention, they will eventually feel it and respond.

Step Two: Handling the Moment of Anger

When a boy is in the middle of an angry outburst, it will often trigger pain in your heart—because seeing our children suffer is one of the hardest things for a parent. Breathe. Do not panic or react impulsively. Instead, read the room and ask yourself:

• Do they need a hug?
• Are they unconsciously crying out for guidance?
• Are they pushing for a lesson that they don’t even realise they need?

Every child is different, and every moment of anger has its own root cause. They are not “bad”—they are just overwhelmed and unable to express their sadness or fear in a healthy way.

• Avoid lectures in the heat of the moment. If they are too closed off, silence and firm action might be more effective than words.
• Set clear boundaries. If they have hurt someone (physically or verbally), demand accountability. They need to learn that words and actions have consequences.
• But do this with firmness, not fragility. If you approach them from a place of insecurity, doubt, or hesitation, it will only make them feel more unstable.
• If you lose control and raise your voice, that’s okay—but show them how to come back to center. Model emotional regulation, and show them how to act once the storm has passed. Whithout holding grudges, or shame, but with accountability and acceptance.

Step Three: Educate Yourself

Anger is often not just emotional—it’s biological. The more you learn about their hormonal changes and brain development, the better you will understand their reactions. Sometimes, what seems like an emotional issue is actually a neurological shift that they don’t fully understand themselves.

If certain behaviours keep repeating and your current approach isn’t working, try something new. Parenting is a constant learning process—what works for one child may not work for another, and what works today may not work tomorrow.

Step Four: The Underlying Message

Above all, if they feel loved, safe, and accepted—not just in their “good” moments but also in their struggles—they will be able to regulate better over time. If they sense that their anger doesn’t disappoint you but instead becomes an opportunity to guide them, they will start to trust themselves and their emotions.

Anger is not the enemy—it’s an unrefined emotion that, when met with understanding, can transform into strength, resilience, and self-awareness.

Conclusion: 

Raising Boys with Emotional Strength and Security

Raising emotionally healthy boys isn’t about following a set of strict rules—it’s about understanding the world they are growing up in, being aware of what we are modelling, and creating a foundation where they feel both loved and guided. Boys don’t need to be “fixed” or shaped into an ideal version of masculinity; they need to be given the space to be—to experience, to express, to navigate their emotions with support rather than suppression.

At the core of it all, what truly matters is that they feel safe, seen, and accepted. Safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment. Seen for who they are rather than who we expect them to be. And accepted—fully, unconditionally—so that their worth is never tied to achievements, behaviour, or external validation.

We are not here to eliminate their struggles but to equip them with the tools to navigate them. To show them, through our own actions, that strength and vulnerability are not opposites, that rejection and failure are not the end, and that love—consistent, unwavering love—is the foundation that will allow them to thrive.

Our job is not to raise “perfect” boys. It is to raise whole boys. Boys who grow into men who are strong not because they suppress their emotions, but because they understand and embrace them.

By Lorena Bernal

Article used in Pop Sugar magazine