Communicating with our kids is something many of us struggle with. We often think communication is just about words, but it’s much more than that. Our children are constantly connecting with us on a heart level, perceiving our emotions through our body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and even how we interact with others in their presence. Therefore, our first step in fostering effective communication with our children is to work on ourselves—our happiness, peace, self-confidence, and self-love. When we create a safe and balanced environment, our children feel secure enough to express themselves honestly without feeling burdened by the weight of our emotions.
Children are incredibly perceptive. If they sense that they are responsible for their parents’ happiness, they may become reluctant to communicate honestly. They need to feel free and safe to be themselves, without fearing they might upset their parents’ emotional world.
Given this foundation, there are several ways we can use words to encourage open communication. However, it’s crucial that these words come from our hearts. If our words don’t match our genuine state of being, our kids will see through it, potentially leading to mistrust. Here are five mindful questions to help develop a stronger connection with your kids:
- “What were the highlights of your day?” Approach this question with the same enthusiasm a child has for watching their favourite team’s game highlights. Ask, “Come on, what were the highlights of your day at school?” and truly listen to their response without judgment. Engage with the emotions they express, whether it’s joy, excitement, or even frustration. By avoiding labels like “good” or “bad,” you allow them to share their experiences freely.
- “Do you know what happened to me today?” Instead of asking them directly, share something interesting from your own day. This encourages them to reciprocate and share their own stories. Make your story engaging and show genuine emotion. You might say, “You won’t believe what happened to me today!” and then follow up by asking for their advice, regardless of their age. They’ll appreciate that you value their input.
- “How is your friend?” Asking about their friends shows that you care about the people important to them. This question is less direct and feels less like an interrogation. It helps build a bond between you because their social circle is a significant part of their world. By showing interest in their friends, you validate their relationships and experiences.
- Ask about something specific you remember they were going to face that day. Show them that you remember details about wha they told you. It could be about a special dish they were excited to try, an activity they had planned, or a conversation they needed to have. By recalling these specifics, you demonstrate that you pay attention to what’s important to them, fostering a sense of being seen and valued.
- Sometimes, don’t ask anything. Simply be present. Kiss them, smile, ask a casual question like, “How was your day?” and then just be with them. Comment on the weather, tell them how much you missed them, or how lovely they look. Embrace the potential silence; sometimes, children need a quiet, loving presence more than words. Share experiences, laughter, and affection.
Whatever approach you choose, refrain from judging or teaching a lesson immediately. The goal is to create a safe space where your child feels heard, valued, and free to express their true selves. Although make sure you truly hear them, value them and accept them for who they are. By asking mindful questions and being present, you build a deeper, more genuine connection with your child, laying the foundation for open and honest communication.
Parents’ expectations usually get in the way of honest communication. Instead of evaluating what our kids do or how they do it, we often judge it against our expectations. For instance, if we expect our child to complete their homework well and on time, anything short of that may seem negative or inadequate to us. Rather than approaching situations from the perspective of their needs, we often focus on them meeting our standards. To truly connect with our children, we should embrace their uniqueness and let go of our rigid expectations. Trust in their individuality and courageously release the need to control their outcomes, allowing them to grow and express themselves freely.
By Lorena Bernal
Article used in the magazine Families (Upon Thames) and Families (South West)
